


But that was then

by Lathyrus_Loon



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 05:20:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10269143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lathyrus_Loon/pseuds/Lathyrus_Loon
Summary: Once upon a time; you alive and vibrant and a breath of fresh air. You were my muse and my sunshine, my moonlight and stars and every moment. Every single moment you were the beat of my heart.





	

Once upon a time; you alive and vibrant and a breath of fresh air. You were my muse and my sunshine, my moonlight and stars and every moment. Every single moment you were the beat of my heart. 

I hated myself for so many years but you were such that I forgot. I forgot the rot behind my eyes and the muck in my mind. The grease and dirt and pain-pain so dull from the constant grind against my bones that it had become a thing. A creature and less an emotion. Something I touch with my fingertips the edge of a blade, and less an impulse of electricity striking my nerves. All that suddenly so bearable. Not numbed or overcome but for those brief moments lifted away. 

You gave me wings is such a disgustingly soppy line but gods almighty you let me fly and for just a second I did not fall to the ground. 

For once the tears in my eyes felt clean and pure and I could have laughed -laughed- for no reason but the joy in my chest, clenching my heart in a vice and twisting my belly because I didn't remember how to be joyous and it was uncomfortably unfamiliar. 

Gone. Gone. Like dust and ashes. There is a bitter taste in my mouth and the monster in my bones is that much larger. It splinters me from within, while the very air pressed me in. 

It makes every breath insignificant. The white noise in my ears loud and erratic. 

And I could never love you, they say, judgemental and oh so helpful. The bastards. I could never love you if I can't love myself and what a load of worthless shite that is. I spit at you who first wrote such miserable words. I piss on your tongue, that you never open your fool mouth again, your dear suggestions a sludge filth in my veins. 

But in those moments, the time between the soft kiss of eyelashes, in that fraction of time I was

I was 

A wonder and something magnificent because I had no words. Not insult or justifications or excuses. Nothing but the warm in my heart and a smile-a smile in realized and not at all pinned or worn- in my eyes and not on my lips.

You were perfect in your flaws and I saw them and adored them. I would have worshiped your flaws but I was too busy being overwhelmed by your virtues. Being near you, this human that was not in any way divine. 

You were everything. You spoke softly and the screams and talking talking always talking in my mind- it quieted. You made me feel so, so safe. 

But that was then. A single sweep of wings and gone. Gone. Gone. And I am so much worse off for it. A thousand times I'd curse you. This unbeatable agony that I once existed with so easily, is again fresh. 

It hurts. It hurts. 

A wish for death not enough to ease this putrid gangrene in my soul. I wish for erasure. To not simply no longer be but to no longer have ever been. Forgotten and lost. Redacted from this world's script.


End file.
